Motherhood isn't for sissies.

While making dinner, I had a memory of Luke that I needed to write down.  Luke was 3 years old and struggling with JRA.  Every morning, he needed help getting out of bed and using the bathroom (he couldn't stand up to pee and refused to sit to do it.) After, he would be carried down the stairs and placed in the warm jacuzzi where he could relax enough to uncurl his arthritic fingers and eventually his legs.  Next came the force fed breakfast (JRA symptoms included lost of appetite) so that he could take his medication.

I was pregnant in this memory and fighting severe morning sickness.  I hadn't kept food down in days and this particular morning, the room was spinning and I was still in bed.  I could hear Luke calling for me to come help him because he needed to pee.  His sweet little voice "Mom, I need to pee, please come get me." on a cycle of repeat for what felt like hours.  I would replied, "In just a moment Luke." to his pleading as I tried to get up in a room, that according to my vision, was in full spin.  Finally, his exasperated message changed to "Dang it Mom, I just peed myself." followed by a loud sob.  My heart felt shredded then as it does now knowing I just took some of his dignity away by being too sick to help him.

I told this story to Luke.  He, of course, doesn't remember any of it.  He immediately replied, "Don't cry Mom, I still pee myself."

Luke just had his 20th birthday.  Against what several doctors told us, he survived JRA.  It destroyed his hip and crippled full range of motion in his wrists and other joints.  He has spent the last year learning how to use his new hip and legs.  While recuperating, he worked two jobs and spent all spare time at the gym doing physical therapy.

I don't know how Luke survived it.  Though he doesn't remember much of his painful childhood, I do.  When the memories come, I can't help but feel that failed him at times.  I am so grateful that he forgives me for those shortcomings.  Motherhood can be brutal.